TV TWADDLE: Calling Dr Kevorkian

NBC has renewed ER for the 2006-07 season. This madness has to end. Bailiff, get Jack Bristow and Jack Kevorkian on the phone. I want an extraction for Maura Tierney and the rest of County General euthanized.

Spidey buys a ring

Talk about a calculated career move, webslinger Tobey Maguire is celebrating his engagement to Jennifer Meyer, daughter of Universal Studios chief Ron Meyer. No date has been set, but Tobey's management team appears to be very happy.

If a Baldwin is arrested and nobody notices, did it really happen?

Daniel Baldwin, best known as the original meltdown member of VH1's Celebrity Fit Club, was arrested on cocaine possession charges last weekend in Santa Monica, CA. Given that this is Hollywood, is it be a desperate cry for help, or a calculated career move? You make the call!

Vatican calls for boycott of THE DA VINCI CODE

In a speech made Friday, Vatican official Monsignor Angelo Amato (Pope Benedict's former righthand man) called upon Catholics worldwide to boycott Ron Howard's adaptation of THE DA VINCI CODE, for "slander, offenses and errors that if directed toward the Quran or the Shoah [Holocaust] would justifiably provoke a worldwide revolt. Yet because they were directed toward the Catholic Church, they remain unpunished." This is the second such call to action from Vatican City in the past week. However, notice none of them are originating from the Pontiff himself.

I find it interesting that people of faith, whose beliefs are based on tolerance, forgiveness, and unconditional love of all living things, take every opportunity to cut down artists and their work. Don't they know that's my job?!

Dick Wolf's Brand of Justice Continues

NBC has renewed three of the four Law & Order franchises for the 2006-07 season. "I'm thrilled that we are continuing to do what this remarkable team has done so successfully for the past 16 years--create episodes that excite, educate, disturb and sometimes, even infuriate our audiences," Wolf said. In terms of cast shakeups, only one is known so far -- on the flagship show, Annie Parisse is out as ADA Alex Borgia. No word on a replacement. If they want real justice, they should hire me!

TRAILER TRASH: The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

Yahoo! Movies gives us a first look at Andrew Dominik's THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD, starring Brad Pitt, Casey Affleck, Sam Shepard, Sam Rockwell, and Zooey Deschanel. There's not much to see, but it feels like LEGENDS OF THE FALL meets ROAD TO PERDITION. And will someone please shorten that title?

View the teaser trailer

Favreau takes on IRON MAN

Actor/director Jon Favreau (Daredevil) is returning to the comic book realm, to helm IRON MAN for Marvel Films. Arthur Marcum and Matt Hollaway are writing the script. While there's no word yet on casting, this court thinks Josh Holloway (Sawyer on Lost) would be an excellent choice to fill the boots of everyone's favorite swarthy, alcoholic, industrialist superhero.

Rosie gets a new VIEW

While ABC is refusing comment, inside sources tell us Rosie O'Donnell will take over Meredith Vieira's spot on THE VIEW couch. With Rosie's gift for saying exactly what's on her mind, she can inspire the rest of the ladies to put Star Jones in her place once and for all.

It Sucks!

Tuesday was opening night for LESTAT, Elton John and Bernie Taupin's adapation of Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles. The general consensus amongst Broadway's critical elite -- it's an unholy mess. Oh well, there's always Spamalot.

No love for the Pickler

American Idol said Bye Bye Bye to country cutie Kellie Pickler last night, as the show weened itself down to its final five contestants. Although no one really seems to care. This season has become less about the singers and more about the weird and icky vibe being generated by Ryan, Paula, Simon, and Randy. There's more drama here than The OC, One Tree Hill, and Laguna Beach combined. Time to grow up, children!

Will Brangelina deliver AFRICA?!!?

Star Magazine is claiming Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have decided to officially call their offspring Africa. If you ask me it's a hell of a lot better than Apple or Suri, but still kinda strange. At least when they change the tyke's diapers they can turn to each other and see "Look what came out of Africa!". Oh, I had to. Besides, STAR MAGAZINE isn't right usually, are they? Ah, bloody hell... it would be a cool name in some ways. And at least Angelina can scream and take drugs unlike Katie Holmes.

Doctor Who goes to the dogs

K9, the robotic lapdog to Tom Baker's DOCTOR WHO in the late '70s, is making a double-barreled comeback. First up, an appearance on the new BBC series, followed by his own animated show -- K9 Adventures. I also hear, if all goes well, Dreamworks is planning to sign him to a three picture development deal.

Jason Lee gives voice to UNDERDOG

Everyone's favorite white trash superhero is going to the dogs. Jason Lee (My Name is Earl) has been signed to voice a CGI version of Shoeshine Boy and his alter-ego Underdog, in Disney's live-action adaptation of the classic 1960s animated series. Maybe we'll finally learn what exactly was in those Underdog Super Energy Pills.

Medical Emergency on Wisteria Lane

Desperate Housewife Teri Hatcher suffered a scratched cornea Tuesday, when a light bulb exploded on the set of the ABC power series. "I was taken to a wonderful eye doctor, and am now wearing a most glamorous eye patch over the right half of my face," Hatcher said. Perhaps Susan was a pirate wench in a former life? Run with that one, Marc Cherry.

Phil Spector takes off the rest of the year

While we're on the subject of celebrity criminal activity, legendary record producer Phil Spector has been granted a reprieve. His murder trial, for the death of actress/girlfriend Lana Clarkson, has been delayed until January 2007, due to a judicial scheduling conflict.

Enjoy the holidays, Phil. Try not to shoot anyone.

In a related story, Hanna-Barbera character Hair Bear (shown here) is filing a civil suit against Spector for identity theft and defamation of character. Mr Bear claims he has been unable to land another series since Spector stole his patented hairstyle. That trial is currently awaiting scheduling. Harvey Birdman, attorney at law, will be representing Mr Bear.

Maury Povich alleged to be as creepy as his guests

TV talking head, Maury Povich -- the man who's made a living off such globally alarming questions as "Are you my baby's daddy?" and "Is she a man or a woman?" -- has been bitchslapped by a $100 million lawsuit. The accuser is a former female producer who alleges Povich and other members of his production team forced her to wear revealing clothing, expose her breasts, and seduce married men into having sex with her, all the while being videotaped for future show segments.

Has the morning show circuit learned nothing from escapades of Bob Barker? Then again, we're one week away from the final sweeps period of the 2005-06 season.

Ana-Lucia headed to the Big House

As punishment for her December 1, 2005 drunk driving arrest -- her second in two years -- LOST co-star Michelle Rodriguez has chosen a 5-day prison stay over 240 hours of community service. "I kind of have to get back to my life, go back to making some money," Rodriguez said. Given her reputation, it was probably a wise choice. She certainly won't be anyone's bitch.

This Court is Now in Session!

Hollywood take notice! The time for entertainment justice has arrived. Each day, I will pass judgement on deals made, films released, series cancelled, celebrity insanity, and anything that falls within the purview of this court.

Bailiff, present the evidence!