Cinematic Justice

Consider me Judge, Jury, and Executioner for the entertainment industry. It's a difficult task, but someone has to do it. Enough prattle, let us begin...

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Location: London, United Kingdom

I'm the purveyor of the entertainment industry as a whole. Nothing escapes my wrath. If you feel as if I've overlooked anything or anyone, by all means let me know and I will rectify the situation forthwith.

16 March 2007

Variety vs. The Film Critics

Last night, Variety poo-bah Peter Bart, oh he of the fabled Sunday Morning Smackdown (nee Shootout), took film critics to task for being too cerebral... and too fat:

"they should consider a sabbatical until September, when movies aimed at their quadrant magically reappear. After seeing Ghost Rider and 300 back-to-back, battle fatigue has clearly overwhelmed the entire fraternity. And, by the way, if you've ever met a film critic, you'll know they're not big on either the pectoral, deltoid, or other muscle groups."

Watch out my friend... Harry Knowles resembles those remarks and he knows where you live!

06 August 2006

Super Kate in her swinging singles days

How about this for a flashback. Not only was she a bank robber, con artist, and cold blooded killer, our little Kate also used to be a commercial spokesperson for a singles phone service. My what a tangled web we weave.

01 June 2006

In the family way

That former Playboy centerfold and reality TV star Anna Nicole Smith is pregnant is not news.

That the reported father of the child still has all his teeth and doesn't wear Depends, that's news.

31 May 2006

Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse are out of control

The LOST production team are taking the offseason hiatus to new levels of insanity. Not only did they invent The Hanson Foundation and its fictional protests against the ABC series, now they've begun releasing long lost 1960's industrial films showcasing Hanson Industries projects.

It's a long wait from May to October, when the new season premieres. Expect to see a lot more of these ridiculous plot teasers that will keep rabid fans running in circles. My advice: Go the beach, get some sun, and enjoy your summer.

28 May 2006

Return from Namibia

After a two-week exile in Namibia, I have returned with the first exclusive picture of Brad and Angelina's new bundle of joy... Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. Keep in mind, newborns aren't the most attractive creatures, but I'm sure she'll grow out of it.

12 May 2006

Beware the DVD sniffing dogs

Watch yourself the next time you're at the airport. The film industry is so paranoid about piracy that the Federation Against Copyright Theft has partnered with FedEx and trained two black labs to sniff out potentially illegal DVDs. The two dogs are based here in the UK, but if the program is successful, you can bet the MPAA will be breeding 'em for the States. Somewhere, Jack Valenti is having an orgasm.

The Force is strong with these two

Creative wunderkinds JJ Abrams and Damon Lindelof admit to being heavily influenced by George Lucas and the original STAR WARS trilogy. Remember that running bit on That '70s Show where Eric tied everything in life into STAR WARS? Pretty much the same thing here...

Damon: "The oldest surviving piece of my wardrobe is a long-sleeved Bantha Tracks t-shirt that I got when my dad and I joined the original Star Wars Fan Club! It was so big on me that I'd wear it to sleep... but now, somehow, it fits perfectly. I just happened to be wearing that shirt the first day that I met with JJ."

JJ: "When Damon walked into my office for the first time and he was wearing not just a Star Wars shirt but an ORIGINAL Star Wars shirt -- and I could tell it was his, not just some vintage purchase. I immediately knew that we were long lost brothers. It was the first thing that made me say, 'Okay I love this guy.'"

Enough with the geek-love. How about the film's influence on your work?

JJ: "Star Wars is probably the most influential film of my generation. So, in a way, everything that any of us does is somehow directly or indirectly affected by the experience of seeing those first three films."

Damon: "I remember seeing A New Hope when I was four and being afraid to take a bath because of the trash compactor scene. From that point on, NO MORE BUBBLES! I needed to SEE what was in the water with me!"

Yeah. A little more information than we needed. Thanks.

To read their full pontifications, head over to

Favorite Viral Video of the Week

Seth McFarlane and the wacked out geniuses at ROBOT CHICKEN have done it again. Here's a claymation look at how Darth Vader broke the news of the Death Star's destruction to Emperor Palpatine. Hey -- I might be cranky, but there are still some things that make me laugh.

My five days in prison, by Michelle Rodriguez

No commentary needed here. I'll simply let her own words speak for themselves...

"It was so cool. I love people, and it was a primal crew. I represent the people, you know what I mean? If somebody picks on me, they'll get what's coming. I didn't have to handle myself is what I'm saying. I had love in there. People got where I'm coming from."

How exactly did she spend her time?

"Drawing pictures for everybody on their shirts. Writing poetry. And singing show tunes with the girls."

Why do lousy actors work so much?

Nic Cage is at is again. This time, he's headling CRAZY DOG, the story of a NY cop who kills a friend and goes on a guilt-ridden rampage before seeking redemption. Oh boy, Nic playing emotionally distraught. There's something new.


Remember the Davild Milch item we brough you the other day -- the one about his new surf noir series at HBO? Well, it seems creative juices go only so far. In other words, if Milch catches the wave, DEADWOOD is headed for Boot Hill. Sorry cowpolks.

The lights are on, but nobody's home

Everyone's favorite celebutante sashayed her into Geekland yesterday, making an ass of herself yet again. Arriving late to her photo opp at the Electronic Entertainment Expo, she apologized to the crowd and said how excited she was to be promoting her new cell phone videogame DIAMONDQUEST. Within seconds, the crowd witnessed a horde of marketing exec's heads explode. The game is actually called PARIS HILTON'S JEWEL JAM.

The sad thing is, none of this is an act. She's really that dumnb.

11 May 2006

Do you feel lucky, gamer boy?

Couch potatoes and movie enthusiasts rejoice! With success of the GODFATHER game, Warner Interactive Games is going into development on a DIRTY HARRY gaming adventure. Clint Eastwood, Gene Hackman (Al Bressler), and Larry Fishburn (Rev. Carlton Clay) will lend their voices to detective Harry Calahan's first virtual case. The story will take place between the first two films -- DIRTY HARRY and MAGNUM FORCE -- and its release timed to coincide with next year's recently announced HD-DVD box set collection.

Buckle up, kids. This is the first step into a new, long-rumored world of entertainment, where beloved film franchises can be sequelized far beyond the on-camera believability of its stars.

Idol Cruelty

Despite the fact that Katherine had sung her way out of the competition on Tuesday night, America voted to eliminate chrome dome rocker Chris from the semi-finals. Simon, Paula, and Randy all sat shocked as Seacrest slipped in the decision amongst his usual banal pratter. One more round before the title card match. Next week: Taylor vs. Elliott vs. Kat.

How in the hell did I get so hooked on this crap?